The Huntsman: Winters War is so terrible that it will astonish you

Emperator Furiosa, tell us how being in this movie made you feel! (credit: Universal)

I saw Snow White and the Huntsman, so I should have known the sequel would be terrible. But honestly, I'm not sure anything other than 24 hours of tickle torture with demon-possessed muppets could have girded me for The Huntsman: Winter's War. It was like watching somebody make a cinematic suicide soda out of Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, Frozen, Planet of the Apes, and (just for that extra wrong flavor) Ted Danson in Cheers. And the worst part? It wasn't made for the love of so-bad-it's-good things, the way a real suicide soda is. Nothing in this incoherent, bumbling movie feels genuine—except for that one part where a saucy lady dwarf hits on Eric the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth).

For those who missed the first film, the Huntsman series is a retelling of the Snow White story done in the "hard fantasy" style popularized by Game of Thrones. What that means is the characters are more emo. The evil Queen Ravenna eats virgins procured by her creepy incest brother, and there's a class of characters called "Huntsmen" who are like fairy tale ninjas with axes. In the first film, Snow White defeated Ravenna (or DID she?). The new film is a kind of origin story about the Huntsmen, minus Snow White, plus a bunch of other things that don't add up.

So what makes The Huntsman so much more awful than other awful sequels made in a crass bid for cash? Somehow, this film manages to exhibit every single cliché of fantasy and science fiction sequels—then goes one step further into raw narrative incoherence. The movie begins with Liam Neeson doing a voiceover about how "you know the story of Snow White, but there's another story that happened long before." OK, fine, we're doing a prequel. We see the rise of the evil witch Ravenna (Charlize Theron, chewing the scenery so hard she's channeling William Shatner). There's also the en-evilling of her gentle sister Freya (Emily Blunt, looking puzzled that she's in this movie) when her boyfriend betrays her and murders their baby.

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